Marion Jones needs someone to make it rain on her.

Finally! Marion Jones and I have something in common besides our dashing good looks. The LA Times, covering her continual judicial problems (assorted lawsuits, the BALCO stuff and others) found a bank statement on public record that has her down to $2,000. More here, from SI.com:

Last year a bank foreclosed on her $2.5-million mansion in an area of Chapel Hill, N.C., where Michael Jordan was a neighbor. She was also forced to sell two other properties, including her mother's house, to raise money.

Jones' financial woes were revealed in a 168-page deposition in a breach-of-contract suit she filed in Dallas against veteran track coach Dan Pfaff. Pfaff countersued and won a judgment against Jones for about $240,000 in unpaid training fees and legal expenses.

As another of the wealth-less Americans in this great country, I feel for Jones, who used to be incredibly wealthy, at least by women's track and field standards. I need all my fingers and toes to count the times that someone else has had to pay my bar tab or electric bill (in that order, of course). But in today's economy, there are plenty of ways to make good money without really trying or, you know, selling your Mom's house and whatnot. Some suggestions:

1. Sell your 5 medals from the Sydney Games on eBay. Always a good, quick money maker. This Archery gold medal from the 1972 games is priced to move at $300 and I'm sure you could get more for one of yours.

2. Motivational Speaking. Seriously good money in this "industry", even for currently disgraced, former Olympians. It would even allow you to tell your side (and only your side, a plus) of the story: how Victor Conte defamed your character, how you and steroids never did get together and, most importantly, how your ex-husband C.J. Hunter divorced you even though, at 330 lbs, you were happy to get out of the marriage after weeks of "him-on-top-crushing-your-soul-and-liver" sex. The list goes on and on.

3. Hooking. You still have some cute left in you. You can probably parlay that into a quick, $30 Cleveland Steamer if you tried.

Anyway, best of luck to Marion. If you're ever in the Columbus area and, you know, you go ahead with suggestion #3, look me up.

But I can only pay with a credit card...is that okay?