Wisconsin, time to take a good, hard look at the man who ruined your season. His name is Ron Zook. Sure, a year from now we will all come to realize that the Zooker paid all of these athletes that beat your beloved Badgers today, but for now... I have been vindicated. The Sports Elitists have been vindicated. And, most importantly, Terry Hoeppner has exacted his revenge. Oh and by the way, his former team, the Indiana Hoosiers have as many losses as you do this year in the Big Ten. Being right kind of gets old, but when it's all you know... what else can you do?
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I can't stop laughing. Seriously. I've been [getting paid to] watch college football all day. And I've been re-reading some old posts here. Anyway, here's a headline on Si.com's college football page that pretty much sums up why I can't stop laughing:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Eat our fuck, Wisco. Suck our cock, Dave Heller. Fuck you in the pants, Brett Bielema. And have fun in the Crapital One Bowl, retards.
Oh, and here is the collection of links just to remind the public of how we were right and how all 12 people in Wisconsin that can "use" a computer were wrong.
So here are my picks for the MLB Playoff Division Series. You may be asking yourself why I included a picture of myself in aviators with this post... the truth is, I don't know. Consider it an homage to the random photos on Free Darko or something. Anyway... ALDS:
Red Sox over Angels, 3 games to 2
Idunno, something tells me this series is going the distance and Boston has the pitching depth here over the Halos. I will go ahead and root for the Angels, though, because Boston can kiss my ass.
Indians over Yankees, 3 games to 0
I am not going to justify this pick. The Yankees can all die of gonorrhea and rot in hell, for all I care. The less I have to see and hear from New York in October, the better. NLDS:
Cubs over Diamondbacks, 3 games to 1
Remember-- the NL playoffs don't make any goddamn sense. That's where the Cubs come in.
Phillies over Rockies, 3 games to 2
The Rockies win the first two games on pure emotion and then get crushed by Philly in 3 straight. Todd Helton cries.
PLEASE NOTE: I was 0-fer on my NL playoff picks last year; feel free to wager LIBERALLY against any National League picks I've made.
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I have Chad Johnson and the Pats kicker who isn't Adam Vinatieri against Carson Palmer and Wes Welker tonight. I was up 25 going into the game. And now, from the 2nd quarter.
Okay...here we go. Bungles on the 2. It's Kenny Watson time, baby! No Carson points, no problem. Wait, play action? They're passing from the 2? Who are they gonna throw to...
Here are your 5 selected college locks 'o' the week.
Ohio State (-23.5) over Northwestern.
After OState's first few home games, I would doubt that the Buckeyes could even put 23 points on the board, but Boeckman turned around at UW and the defense is too good. And NW just lost to Duke. In football.
Alabama (-3.5) over Georgia
I'm buying the Tide at home, if only so Nick Saban can ratchet himself up the ladder only to fuck over Alabama for the NFL and then fuck over the NFL for another college program. And hopefully his plane will crash somewhere in middle America trying to lock down one of the aforementioned jobs. Seriously, fuck that guy with a spoon.
Penn State (-3) over Michigan
I don't like this pick at all. Anthony Morelli is not good and will likely go to hell, or wherever bad Jews go when they die, for playing. Morelli is jewish right? Anyway, Penn State's defense hasn't had to play ANYONE this year. I keep hearing "most well-rounded Big 10 team" associated with Penn State but that's like being the fat chick with the least amount of facial hair. But the only team UM has beaten at home is Notre Dame and that's like beating a Division 1-AA school...wait, what?
South Carolina (+18) over LSU
Yes, LSU is really good. Sure, Les Miles is probably on the way out. But get fucking serious. USC (the one on the right side of the country, directionally speaking) and The Ol' Ball Coach will keep this one close and will probably lose like they did against Florida last year - which will be by much less than 18 points.
Kentucky (+7) over Arkansas
Darren McFadden is still the toast of the Heisman race and will keep that up this weekend but Kentucky's offense will stay with him easily - Just ask Alabama what it's like playing the Hogs in the 4th quarter. Puh-lease. I'd take the cover and the straight up win.
There you have it. Call your bookies. And if you have a gambling problem, call your shrink. But call your bookie first.
Anyway, here are selected picks, or Locks 'o' the Week as I am wont to call them (home teams in bold):
Baltimore (-8) over Arizona Baltimore may only score 9 points, but that will be enough to cover.
Carolina (-4) over Atlanta You can take the dog out of the fight, but you can't take the...wait, too easy. Atlanta is awfully woeful this year and Steve Smith is all-world. Blowout in the dome.
Dallas (+3) over Chicago I really like Dallas to run away with the NFC. They'll beat Chicago to prove it. Also, Tony Romo is on my fantasy team and I'm 2-0.
Indy (-6) over Houston Hi, Houston. I'm earth - welcome back down to me.
New England (-16.5!!!!!) over Buffalo. Yes, Buffalo is awful, and no, one should never EVER bet a cover over 10 points. But New England is ridiculous and Buffalo, much like Kevin Everett, is barely moving. Too soon?
Pittsburgh (-8.5) over San Francisco. The Steelers have snacked on the likes of the Brownies (who are not a good team) and the Bills (see above). Big Ben is back and that Defense is fo' real.
Seattle (3.5) over Cincinnati Here's my math on this one: Shaun Alexander + the Bengal run D = bad week for Cincinnati. The Bungles are back, baby.
New Orleans (-4) over Tennessee on MNF The last time the Saints played a somewhat meaningful game on Monday night, they beat the living shit out of the Falcons. Vince Young will be good (2-0 in fantasy, baby!) but NO will cover the four they're getting.
Remember, this is all for fun and by no means for realz. Betting is bad, addiction is even worse. If you have a problem get help, or whatever. If not, take these bets to the guy at the bar who looks like John Candy and get ready to collect or get your thumbs broken on Tuesday. College picks later today.
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As a running feature, TSE will bring you the Best of the Best of... (gotta find a more concise title) and today's feature is Sports Media and we begin with The newest Nike Football commercial.
I have seen this commercial about 20 times and I'm still not sick of it. In fact, I'm still trying to find something, anything, wrong with it. Seriously, I stop fast-forwarding commercials on my DVR so that I can watch this ad. So I present it here.
Starring: Shawn Merriman and Steven Jackson. Directed by: Michael Mann (!!) Music: "The Promontory" from Last of the Mohicans.
Wisconsin, time to take a good, hard look at the man who ruined your season. His name is Ron Zook. Sure, a year from now we will all come to realize that the Zooker paid all of these athletes that beat your beloved Badgers today, but for now... I have been vindicated. The Sports Elitists have been vindicated. And, most importantly, Terry Hoeppner has exacted his revenge. Oh and by the way, his former team, the Indiana Hoosiers have as many losses as you do this year in the Big Ten. Being right kind of gets old, but when it's all you know... what else can you do?
more...
