Thursday, June 21, 2007

Ok, I didn't want to, but now I'm forced to: Wisconsin sucks.

It seems that there was much interest taken in my criticism of Brett Beilema yesterday, so now this has to happen. First of all, I wasn't saying that what he and Wisconsin did to the indefensible IU football team was necessarily wrong. I personally thought it was, but some people (like the commenters) don't take any issue with it, and that's fine. There's a reason I'm a Sports Elitist and they're not. What I was really attempting to get across is the fact that right or wrong, when you run up the score on a fellow Big Ten team, it eventually will come back to bite you in the ass. Sometimes, it isn't even the team you embarrassed that exacts revenge. But this overwhelming backlash that I received from the post has caused me to unearth the inevitable truth: Wisconsin blows. And before you chastise me for not even having been there, I will say to you that i did spend a good portion of a summer there visiting a girl of mine who lived in Wauwatosa, a suburb of Milwaukee. So I know what I'm talking about. That being said, he is why Wisconsin sucks:

1. Ok, you drink beer. We get it. So does the rest of America. I love it how there are all of these people from Madison that think the Miller Brewing Company is a domestic beer only in Wisconsin. The difference is that people outside the State of Wisconsin drink to get drunk and have a good time. It seems that people in Wisconsin drink for the sole purpose of getting fat and being unattractive. You go to the University of Wisconsin and you think you drink more than kids at Ohio State just because there is a brewery in your state? Think again. In fact, I would venture to say that you drink the least of any Big Ten school, because you guys are so middle of the road that the teams above you drink because they accomplish stuff, and teams below you drink because they suck something awful. I have been on campus for a gameday at Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State, and Notre Dame, and they all drink more than you.

2. You guys talk like dolts. Ever see Fargo? That includes you idiots, too. These idiosyncratic phrases like, "yaaaaa", "dontcha know?", "doya now?", and "oh geez" are just not cutting it. Speak properly. All other areas of the United States have accents, but they don't waste words. Take a look:

Phrase in Ohio: You need to buy some milk. (6 words)
Phrase in the deep South: Y'all need some milk. (4 or 5 words)

Phrase in Wisconsin: Yaaa, ya know you need some milk now, dontcha know? (10 words).

I think the two biggest problems is that the people who speak this way have no concept of the act of being in the now, and no confidence that what they have just said has resonated in conversation. An example:

Guy 1 in Ohio: Dude, my girlfriend cheated on me.

Guy 2 in Ohio: Whoa... what are you going to do?

Guy 1 in Wisconsin: Dude, my girlfriend cheated on me, dontcha know?

Guy 2 in Wisconsin: Whoa... what are you going to do now?


** This is not the "now" as in "now that she cheated on you, what are you going to do?" It's the now that ust takes up space and reminds these two people that they are talking in the present and not at the First Continential Congress.**

This way of speaking makes all of you sound like complete idiots. I will say however that it seems to be dying off as each generation passes. Thank the good lord.

3. Your biggest sports hero, maybe ever, was bailed out on the biggest stage by one of your favorite college football team's biggest rival.
That's right. Brett Favre has Desmond Howard to thank for his Super Bowl ring. I can't remember the last time I have seen one of the greatest pro football quarterbacks of all time be at the mercy of a washed-up Heisman winner. To put this in persepctive, this would be like Ron Dayne one day ending his career in Indianapolis and inexplicably gaining gaining 300 yards en route to a Super Bowl MVP while Peyton Manning falls asleep at the wheel. I use Ron Dayne as the example only because you people from Wisconsin are the only people who remember who he is.

4. I yield the remainder of my time to the junior senator from Michigan, Mr. Sheffield:

"Everything you asked for in Milwaukee you didn’t get—Ask for good weather, you don't get it. Ask for a good playing surface, you don't get it. Ask for a first-class organization, you don't get it."

Much thanks to 100% Injury Rate for digging up that gem.

I stand by what I write, and I hold grudges.

7 comments:

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

yes, I would hit that, pregnant, not, misspelled, otherwise and everything in between.

and CBus has the AB Brewerey right off of 71 and BL > ML any day of the week, twice on saturday.

Ryan said...

I'm from Wisconsin and I usually dont care if someone wants to bash us because it can be funny but this guy is just an idiot. First of all, to say we ran it up on IU inappropriately is absurd. On Oct 6, 2001 IU came to Camp Randall and beat us 63-32 but you didnt hear one person complaining about the score being too high. So what do we do this year? We pay them back and beat the crap out of them. But this retard thinks thats horrible and makes an entire blog column of it. Plus I love how he makes us looks like a middle of the pack Big Ten team when no one has one more Rose Bowls than us since 1990. Looking forward to our fourth straight win in Columbus in November.

Paul Teeple said...

Ragging on OSU really doesn't insult Jed, by the way, Ryan; he's a Notre Dame fan and HATES Ohio State. A game effort, though. Really.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

Ryno:

your rite, know won has one moore Rose Bowls then Wisco since 1990.

Gotta love that UW education and the English 101 TA that taught you how to write. So make way for your local cancer ward, I'm sure you and your classmates have some dying, cancer-ridden children to pee on.

Paul Teeple said...

Additionally, Ryan, when tallying Rose Bowls since 2000, how do you classify Oklahoma's 2003 Rose Bowl win when Ohio State was busy winning the national championship?

Jed DeMuesy said...

And here's my main hooking point that idiots like you either are choosing not to read or are just ignoring: running up the score on any team is innapropriate, that is where I'm coming from. I don't agree with showing up any team at any time. It happened, you ran it up, there will be some sort of karma that happens to Wisconsin this year.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

you people are fucking retarded. we're not saying that UW sucks ass (though they do) we're saying that there's karma in the Big 10. There always has been. Didn't you dumb fucks learn to read, or was that not part of the entrance exam for the school?

Fuck, you people are dumb. Go to hell, learn to read, go to a school that will celebrate your new-found ability to read and then re-read your posts and you'll see how fucking dumb you all are.

Jesus.