Ok, I didn't want to, but now I'm forced to: Wisconsin sucks.

It seems that there was much interest taken in my criticism of Brett Beilema yesterday, so now this has to happen. First of all, I wasn't saying that what he and Wisconsin did to the indefensible IU football team was necessarily wrong. I personally thought it was, but some people (like the commenters) don't take any issue with it, and that's fine. There's a reason I'm a Sports Elitist and they're not. What I was really attempting to get across is the fact that right or wrong, when you run up the score on a fellow Big Ten team, it eventually will come back to bite you in the ass. Sometimes, it isn't even the team you embarrassed that exacts revenge. But this overwhelming backlash that I received from the post has caused me to unearth the inevitable truth: Wisconsin blows. And before you chastise me for not even having been there, I will say to you that i did spend a good portion of a summer there visiting a girl of mine who lived in Wauwatosa, a suburb of Milwaukee. So I know what I'm talking about. That being said, he is why Wisconsin sucks:

1. Ok, you drink beer. We get it. So does the rest of America. I love it how there are all of these people from Madison that think the Miller Brewing Company is a domestic beer only in Wisconsin. The difference is that people outside the State of Wisconsin drink to get drunk and have a good time. It seems that people in Wisconsin drink for the sole purpose of getting fat and being unattractive. You go to the University of Wisconsin and you think you drink more than kids at Ohio State just because there is a brewery in your state? Think again. In fact, I would venture to say that you drink the least of any Big Ten school, because you guys are so middle of the road that the teams above you drink because they accomplish stuff, and teams below you drink because they suck something awful. I have been on campus for a gameday at Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State, and Notre Dame, and they all drink more than you.

2. You guys talk like dolts. Ever see Fargo? That includes you idiots, too. These idiosyncratic phrases like, "yaaaaa", "dontcha know?", "doya now?", and "oh geez" are just not cutting it. Speak properly. All other areas of the United States have accents, but they don't waste words. Take a look:

Phrase in Ohio: You need to buy some milk. (6 words)

Phrase in the deep South: Y'all need some milk. (4 or 5 words)

Phrase in Wisconsin: Yaaa, ya know you need some milk now, dontcha know? (10 words).

I think the two biggest problems is that the people who speak this way have no concept of the act of being in the now, and no confidence that what they have just said has resonated in conversation. An example:

Guy 1 in Ohio: Dude, my girlfriend cheated on me.

Guy 2 in Ohio: Whoa... what are you going to do?

Guy 1 in Wisconsin: Dude, my girlfriend cheated on me, dontcha know?

Guy 2 in Wisconsin: Whoa... what are you going to do now?

** This is not the "now" as in "now that she cheated on you, what are you going to do?" It's the now that ust takes up space and reminds these two people that they are talking in the present and not at the First Continential Congress.**

This way of speaking makes all of you sound like complete idiots. I will say however that it seems to be dying off as each generation passes. Thank the good lord.

3. Your biggest sports hero, maybe ever, was bailed out on the biggest stage by one of your favorite college football team's biggest rival.

That's right. Brett Favre has Desmond Howard to thank for his Super Bowl ring. I can't remember the last time I have seen one of the greatest pro football quarterbacks of all time be at the mercy of a washed-up Heisman winner. To put this in persepctive, this would be like Ron Dayne one day ending his career in Indianapolis and inexplicably gaining gaining 300 yards en route to a Super Bowl MVP while Peyton Manning falls asleep at the wheel. I use Ron Dayne as the example only because you people from Wisconsin are the only people who remember who he is.

4. I yield the remainder of my time to the junior senator from Michigan, Mr. Sheffield:

"Everything you asked for in Milwaukee you didn’t get—Ask for good weather, you don't get it. Ask for a good playing surface, you don't get it. Ask for a first-class organization, you don't get it."

Much thanks to 100% Injury Rate for digging up that gem.

I stand by what I write, and I hold grudges.