GoCM's Top 5 SNES Games

If I've learned anything over the last 24 years of my life, it's that the world almost certainly does not revolve around sports - it revolves around me, of course. That said we'll jump off-topic a bit and talk about the wonderful world that was the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. And since I'm running the show, here are my Top 5 SNES games*.

*I'll be honest, I didn't buy/play all that many SNES games. I was cheap, the 'rents wanted us to have more "outside time" (hindsight: might have been a good idea) so I was really only limited to a few games in a few genres. Comments (yeah, right) with your faves.

5. Super Mario Bros. All Stars

Why it's in the Top 5:

This would normally be much higher, as I spent most of third and fourth grade (as well as most of my third and fourth years of college...and some of the fifth) playing this game. Think about it - Three of the great NES games of all time in the greatest game series of them all with amped up graphics and sound. What's not to love?

Why it's not #1:

The Lost Levels portion. Fuck them in the pants. For whatever reason, it just annoyed the shit out of me and given the choice to play any of the four games, this is last every single time. But that's about it.

4. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Why it's in the Top 5:

There aren't a lot of RPGs that can give Link, the Master Sword and the Kingdom of Hyrule (fuck, I'm lame) a run for their money. Great story line, great game play and consistently one of the most fun games to sit around and play. Even if you were just cutting some bushes (giggity) down looking for rupees.

Why it's not #1

I was never wild about the format. I guess it's because I'm a product of the 1st person shooter era. But other than that, this is a solid performer.

3. Starfox

Why it's in the Top 5:

Where to start? For one, this game represented the pinnacle of graphics at the time. The Super FX chip was to blame and it created Nintendo's first 3-D environments. And holy shit, was it fun to play. Whipping around in the Arwings, ruining shit with the 2nd-level twin blasters and firing the bombs for no apparent reason (would missiles have hurt to put in?). This game succeeds on so many levels it's sick.

Why it's not #1:

I guess my top 3 could really be a T-1 fest, but this gets knocked down because of just how much better the next two are.

2. Earthbound

Why it's in the Top 5:

So many reasons: Great storyline. Great user interaction. Great plot twists. Great random pop culture references. Great playability. Great music. Challenging enough to make any player throw down the controller after losing to the boss AGAIN. Overall one of the truly great games for the console.

Why it's not #1:

Because of what is #1 and for no other reason. Like Starfox, this easily could be #1 as well.

1. Super Mario Kart

Why it's #1:

This game might be in the all-time top 5 games ever list. Almost flawless in every way. And who can't remember playing Battle Mode for hours on end. And if you could wipe someone out with the green turtle shell then you were pretty much unbeatable. The actual racing was always challenging (at least in 100cc) and the levels were creative and fun without getting out of hand. If there was a fault, I still haven't found it. Man what a game it was.

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TMA on TSE - You're the Immelman now, Dawg!

Good morning. Not really. It's Monday morning and those are never particularly good in any situation. You could have gone to bed Sunday after banging a Perfect 10 model, a la Eric in Entourage and still hit that before going to work the next morning and it would still suck. Perhaps less than if you went to bed after, say, reading back issues of SI and masturbating, but that's neither here nor there.

I guess there is one way that a Monday morning might be tolerable. Were you to wake up with a 42-R green jacket on your person, then Monday probably sucks a lot less. That's what Trevor Immelman probably did this morning. I bet he's have a bang up fucking day.

The South African (gooooooooooooo Apartheid!) was your winner yesterday at Augusta, despite some of his best efforts (in the drink on 16 with a five-shot lead? What are you doing aiming for the pin, dickhead?!?), besting Tiger Woods by three strokes. Admittedly, it was a boring final 18 on my favorite tract in the world, but you really can't blame Immelman for that. He gave away plenty of shots and chances on the day but no one could really do anything with the opportunities. Not even the aforementioned Mr. Woods. The flatstick, like donuts for Mickelson, whiskey for Daly and the lump three feet above his ass for Sabatini, was persona non grata for Tiger, who managed to shoot an uninspiring 72.

In this day an age of golf, the story after all non-Tiger wins in majors is not about who won, but how Tiger lost. And certainly, that's a fair statement. If Tiger makes a putt or two from outside five-feet, the pressure would have been on the Immelman. Maybe he folds like every other South African to challenge Augusta in recent years (see: Els, Goosen, Clark and Sabatini). Or maybe he doesn't. But it would have been fun to see regardless.

That was not the case, however, and Immelman won the Masters walking away. He outplayed the field and did what he had to do to put on that green jacket. And he deserves all the credit in the world for it. Winning the Masters will elude exponentially more players than it will embrace so credit is certainly due and should be given.

But for the second year in a row, we will likely not chase a golfer around the country (and the Old Empire) chasing the Grand Slam because the year's Masters winner is another "one of the best up and coming golfers we've seen in a long time" who probably won't win another major in their career.

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Afternoon Delight and NHL playoff picks

It's almost 4, I have some work that I should probably get done (and probably won't) so I wanted to pick the Stanley Cup Playoffs in this space. But I have to take a dump, do at least some of the work in front of me and go home, all in the next hour. So here are the picks for the playoffs with little or no explanation whatsoever.

*Ed. note: I haven't followed hockey at all this year, save for the Blue Jackets (which is like following a suicide bomber into an Israeli open market) and the Stars. Fair warning: I'm almost completely talking out of my ass. Where's Seaward when you need him?

Eastern Conference

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens

I haven't seen that many soft goals since [insert hockey-ism here]. 'Habs have taken 12 straight from the Bruins. Sounds about right. Montreal in 5

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Ottawa Senators

When a 75-year old owns your shit, you're in trouble. Pens sweep.

New York Rangers vs. New Jersey Devils.

I don't think the Rangers are going to fold to New Jersey like Phil Leotardo's head against the Excursion in the finale of The Sopranos. Rangers in 5.

Washington Capitals vs. Philadelphia Flyers

In Ovechkin we trust. Caps in 6.

Western Conference

Detroit Red Wings vs. Nashville Predators

Fuck me running, I hate Detroit. I hate Zetterberg (I don't care if that's spelled correctly) and I hate Mike Babcock. But I also fucking despise all things from Tennessee, including the Preds. Here's hoping HockeyTown collapses on both teams. Detroit in 5.

San Jose Sharks vs. Calgary Flames

Coin flip (literally because I don't have a clue). Let's go with Flames in 7.

Minnesota Wild vs. Colorado Avalanche

Speaking of teams I absolutely fucking dread, these two are probably 3 and 4 on the list. But Colorado wins the series in 6, for reasons even I can't comprehend.

Anaheim Ducks vs. Dallas Stars

Yesterday, I would have thought Ducks in 4. But Turco came to play! And now it's time to waste 3 good'n's from the man from Michigan and watch the Ducks win in 7. Fuck.

So there's that. More from the second round...probably after it starts. Have a great weekend.

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TMA on TSE - A Tradition Unlike any Other

Each morning, TSE will attempt to fill space and add to post count by posting a generic morning review post about something from the day before or the next day or whatever the hell they feel like writing. We call it The Morning After. Today's author is Ghost of Carl Monday.

OK, who got drunk and changed everything around again? Couldn't have been Seaward, as he was probably out of Miller Chill. And I don't think they have alcohol in the UP, so that means no JTBI. Must've been me. I'm hoping the new design will make things a little easier to navigate, as well as easier to post. And I'm adding a jump option for posts trying in vain to add a jump to posts but blogger sucks and is making it almost imposible/I'm probably retarded. More modifications and changes will abound, so stay tuned.

Anyway, on with the sports and the Tradition Unlike any Other...

"A Cinderella Story..."

We begin with my favorite weekend in sports. I love the Masters, as noted yesterday, more than any other golf tournament and I love the whole dog and pony show of Augusta National in mid-April. Granted, I'm a big fan of the NCAA tournament, CFB bowl season, the World Series and all the other biggies in sports, but Masters weekend is really like nothing else.

For one, there are very few commercials on Saturday and Sunday; usually about 2-5 minutes per hour. That's incredible. And not just because I'm lazy and really don't need an excuse not to move for just under an hour. Augusta National is so freakin' rich that they can just up and tell a major network that they don't need no stinkin' commercials. The pretension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. And as we know, I'm all about that.

But it's really the pageantry that surrounds the tournament that gets me. Sure, the British is played overseas in wind, rain, hail, flying cows and makes the best in the world look like your everyday hack at the local Muni (read: me) and the United States Open is our Open.

But the Masters is Arnie walking across the bridge one last time with Tiger right behind him. It's Sarazen and the Shot Heard Round the World in 1935. Jack winning in 1986 when local media said his career was over. It's about 156 Tiger Woods moments including the chip that wouldn't fall... that did on 16 in 2005. There's nothing like that in any other tournament, golf or otherwise.
I'm in a fantasy golf league with JTBI and assorted others so I'll try to publish my picks sooner than day 2 of the tournament. But this one was picked before the season started. Tiger Woods will win. He has to. Listen to the interview he gave Stuart Scott Van Pelt last week. The guy knows every blade of grass to the centimeter at Augusta. It's sickening. Not to mention his last nine world events go as follows: W, W, W, W, W, W, W, 2, 5. It's an easy pick and it should be.

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GoCM's News and Views

From time to time, I'll go ahead and straight up sleaze an idea away from someone else. because that's how I roll. Here, and with no apologies to Larry King or Seaward, GoCM's News and Views.

• The Tigers won a game. Great. I think I'll go piss my pants.


• In order: Masters > British > US Open > The Players > The Memorial > The PGA. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.


• I may be the only Buckeye fan in the world who wasn't shouting for joy when Terrelle "Superman" Pryor signed on to wear Scarlet and Grey. What did the last hyped-up frosh with a checkered past bring to Columbus?


• A national championship? Oh...nevermind.


• I grew up reading and enjoying Rick Reilly but after reading Big Daddy Drew's thoughts on the guy, I'm ready to drink the Kool-Aid.


• Missing Links is still okay in my book, though (see what I did there?)


• RichRod and the Wolves (sounds like a UM undergrad's Rock Band career name) will win 6 games this year, and none of them in Columbus proper.


• Hey David Stern: there's something wrong with a league where the 9th best team in one conference would have home-court in the other conference.


• There again, I can offer no solution to this mess. And I wouldn't be surprised if the Celtics win the whole damn thing.


• Hockey playoffs started... apparently. I'll let Seaward take you the rest of the way once Dallas bows out in round 1 again.


• Also on the subject... if you're into photoshopped pictures, mindless chatter and the Pittsburgh Penguins (must check two of three to apply) then The PensBlog is for you.


• Forgetting Sarah Marshall has plenty of potential (Judd Apatow producing, Jason Segal writing and a cast of 40YOV/Knocked Up/Superbad alums) but, like all of the Apatow movies, will probably be 15-20 minutes too long.


• But, again, as I am more often than not wont to state problems while giving no answers, I can't think of anything that I would eliminate from any of the three above-mentioned movies, can you?


• Speaking of cutting 20 minutes out of movies, how about the last 20 minutes of Bull Durham? There wasn't even a shot of one of Susan Sarandon's crusty old tits! Have Nuke tell Crash "Good luck" and then have Annie say that Crash broke the record and end it at that.


• Jamar Butler wins the award for best reaction to winning the NIT: "That's what happens when you put an NCAA Tournament team in the NIT. They walk through it..." Well said, sir - you'll be missed.


• Hitting up the ATM the day before payday is like getting hit in the nards with a baseball on the way out of a store where you just bought a cup. Painful and irritating all at the same time.


• Seriously - fuck you for that ending, Ron Shelton.

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TMA on TSE - We're back

Hello, friends.... and welcome to the official re-opening of TSE. Yes, that's right, your ninth favorite sports/comedy/bad joke blog is back in action. Look for TMA posts, some News and Views, Playoff Picks Destined to go Wrong and all the ripping off of KSK and Deadspin you can handle. Maybe even a guest writer or two. Mmmmm mmmmm, bitch!

For now, I just started back on the ol' computers so I have to keep a low profile and, thus, this TMA is a short one, but the posts will be flying in shortly and often. Or maybe not, but check back anyway.

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Nothing like some SEC basketball in Atlanta--HOLY SH*T THE SKY IS FALLING!

By now it's common knowledge that the SEC tournament was interrupted by severe weather, to the extent that the game was delayed for and hour or so.  Thankfully, no one was hurt and the game continued.  Loser with Socks  has the video of the game and what happened in real time.  Having been to the Georgia Dome for a big tournament (the one where Ohio State beat Florida to win the NCAA Championship*) there probably isn't a worse place to be trapped where the sky is falling.  So, yeah, the whole ordeal is pretty fucking scary, far as I'm concerned.

So now, because of the delay, the winner of Kentucky and Georgia's game (at press in OT, believe it or not) will play the seldom seen day-night doubleheader in the SEC.  And if you're one of the retarded Wildcat fans in the country, then that's pretty fucking scary, too.

* may not be 100% accurate

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