Side effects of ESPN Motion may include...

Oh, ESPN Motion, sometimes I think you're worse for the internet than pop-up ads and Rosie O'Donnell's blog combined.

And that's when I am being generous.

Seriously... I just can't stand ESPN.com's ESPN Motion feature. I think this is something we can all agree on.

Recently, I'd honestly thought that ESPN Motion had been vanquished, especially in light of Deadspin's article over the summer announcing the impending demise of the accursed auto-play video contraption. Every time I'd load the Four-Letter Word's website I'd not be getting bombarded with Stu Scott telling me about the SportsCenter minute. I was elated.

As I found out today, however, something far more sinister was afoot. My roommate filled me in on the latest strike against ESPN Motion at lunch today:

"I bolted awake at exactly 3 a.m. I had checked ESPN.com for the Blackhawks' score right before I went to sleep [at 10 p.m.]. Motion apparently just decided to kick on some five hours later. I thought they'd gotten rid of it!"

See, that's what they want you to think! It's all a part of Norby's diabolical scheme to enslave us with ESPN propaganda while we sleep! (It's worth pointing out that my roommate's computer is a laptop he bought earlier this year, it's not like a Gateway 2000 laptop from the 90's or anything)

In all seriousness, though... Rob King, if you really are going to get rid of ESPN Motion, just freaking do it. I don't know one person who likes it, and putting in some sort of extended delay could obviously cause new and different issues with your reader base.

They're lucky it wasn't me. If ESPN Motion had woken me up at 3 a.m. I would've gone apeshit. more...

Game Day Experience -- Arkansas at LSU

Over Thanksgiving weekend, a few friends and I undertook a roadtrip to some college football landmarks in the deep south to take in some high-quality pigskin action, both inside and outside the stadiums. Though it's two weeks later, I did want to share my experience there and rate it for you folks out there considering seeing a game at any of these stadiums. I plan to share similar accounts for other sporting events I attend over the course of time. I will rate the experience on a number of different levels: city, exterior atmosphere, stadium, in-game atmosphere and ticket value.

ARKANSAS-LSU
"The Battle for the Boot"
November 23rd, 2007
Tiger Stadium
Baton Rouge, LA

We drove through the night from Lexington, KY, leaving at 11:30 pm and arriving in Baton Rouge at about noon ET. Getting to our lot--about 3 blocks from Tiger Stadium--was slightly nightmarish. I-10 was a parking lot, even 3 hours before game time, and once we hit our exit the traffic flow was turtle-like at best. It probably took us about 45 minutes from when we entered Baton Rouge to actually find our lot. Maybe more.

After a rough start with the traffic, things looked up immediately once we parked. The fans outside were outstanding and even though we were fans of the much-hated (in SEC country) Big Ten, everyone was very cordial and stopped and talked with us. Even in our remote parking lot we were having a good time. Our rubber LSU Tiger mask (pictured above, right) didn't hurt either. In fact, that mask got us into a couple tailgates, where we were treated to free beers, keg-stands and, in one case, some chopped up hog (get it?). The tailgating scene at LSU was phenomenal; pretty easily the best tailgating I've ever been a part of, and that's not even counting the SEC talent meandering around.


Chopped hog at the LSU tailgate. It was freaking tasty.
We hit another snag getting into the stadium as the escalators broke about 15 minutes prior to kickoff. Unfortunately this meant we missed the much-hyped pre-game band performance. We eventually made our way to our seats, which were literally the second-last row of the stadium on the 15 yard line. Not the best value at $100 a head, but what are you gonna do on the last weekend of the regular season?

During the game, I was struck by how not intense the crowd was. Despite a trip to the BCS Championship being (theoretically) on the line against one of their (theoretical) rivals, the Tiger faithful inside Death Valley seemed very nonchalant about taking on the Fighting Darren McFaddens. Not only was the crowd not as rabid as we'd been led to believe they'd be, they didn't have the pride we expected. Just to be pains in the ass, our group decided to chant O-H-I-O during every kick off, expecting to get the business every time we announced that, yes, we ARE Ohio State fans. Sadly, only one LSU fan, a woman with a good sense of humor behind us, even needled us or shot us dirty looks. One abusively drunk Arkansas fan a few rows ahead of us gave us a nasty glare, though.

As for the game, the only time the crowd got massively fired up was toward the end of the 4th quarter when it became startlingly apparent that the Razorbacks were not going to lay down for the #1 Tigers. Once we hit overtime the place started to really rock, only to be disappointed by Bo Pellini's mystifying defensive sets and a triple-OT Matt Flynn interception.

On the way out, Baton Rouge's horrific traffic patterns struck again. We sat in our car, about 10 feet from our original parking spot, waiting to leave the parking lot for a solid 40 minutes before we realized that our original plan to head to New Orleans that night would have to be scrapped because it might take us 2 hours to get out of town. Instead we re-parked in an empty spot and walked to a local pizza joint and chatted up a few LSU students over a few slices. Despite the loss they were really friendly and answered pretty much anything we could ask them about campus and the football team, including telling us that night's crowd was pretty brutal by LSU standards because of the Thanksgiving holiday and the fact that LSU still doesn't really consider UofA to be a big rival. Interesting points.

Two hours after our initial departure attempt, we finally worked our way through the traffic labyrinth that is Baton Rouge, LA, and hit the road for our next destination: Auburn, AL.


A view from the "cheap" seats.

RATINGS:

CITY: After my first visit, I cannot say I am a big fan of Baton Rouge. The traffic was a complete nightmare on the way in and an unmitigated disaster on the way out. What a marvelous idea it was to build a huge football stadium well away from the highway with only two-lane roads to access it, from only two exits? Get your shit together, Baton Rouge traffic department. Also, once you get off campus this place is kind of a dump. Not special at all.
2 out of 10.

EXTERIOR ATMOSPHERE: The tailgating at LSU was outstanding. The fans were great. I cannot say enough about what a great time we had once we got out of the car. Even after the huge upset was complete, LSU's fans were still very cool and more than happy to rap with us about the ol' pigskin.
10 out of 10.

STADIUM: The escalators breaking was not exactly a great start for our Tiger Stadium experience. This stadium seems to be a bit sprawling. I've sat at the top of the stadium in other venues and it still seemed more intimate than Death Valley. It seemed that the crowd had to overcompensate to really make it seem fierce once OT rolled around. It made the whole crowd reaction seem kind of disjointed. Still had good sightlines and the feel of big-time college football.
7 our of 10.

IN-GAME ATMOSPHERE: Again, the crowd seemed a little too calm, cool and collected through the first three quarters. You'd think that with a trip to the big dance on the line that they'd have been a bit more fired up but that was certainly not the case until about 8 minutes left in regulation. Then the place went ballistic and got the floor shaking. I'll give them a bit of a free pass for the Thanksgiving holiday, but I was still surprised at the lack of intensity inside Death Valley. Also the fans around us were knowledgeable and were happy to engage us with SEC-Big Ten banter and answer questions we had about either team, such as, to an Arkansas fan, "Where the hell has this defense been all year??" It's possible that I'm being a bit hard on the Tiger faithful because of all the hype I'd been fed before we embarked on this trip, but still...
7 of 10.

TICKET VALUE: $100 for the second-last row is not exactly getting the most bang for your buck, but we were treated to an excellent game and a good time all-around.
8 out of 10.

OVERALL: Baton Rouge's suckitude really kills this game's ranking. It almost seems unfair, but maybe the city of Baton Rouge should think about a logical traffic flow, or maybe a few traffic cops outside of huge parking lots after huge triple-overtime games. Without the City ranking, this game would get a pretty solid 80% at 32/40. Instead, it gets...
34 out of 50.

PLEASE NOTE: Do not take this rating as a sign that I didn't have a total blast in Baton Rouge... I did. Truly. But on an objective basis, Baton Rouge left a lot to be desired.

This weekend, the Iron Bowl in Auburn! more...

Baltimore's Babies

The level-headed and always-classy Bart Scott

Some credit to the Four-Letter Word this morning. ESPN.com's Mike Sando posted an insightful compilation of Ravens quotes following last night's stunningly thrilling Monday Night Football showdown between Baltimore and New England. What insight does said compilation offer, you might ask? It's quite simple:

The Baltimore Ravens organization has created and nurtured a culture of whinyness, scapegoating and not taking accountability for your on-the-field performance and actions.

It takes half a second to scan Sando's post and see how the Ravens didn't wait more than 10 minutes after the fourth quarter clock read 0:00 to start unloading their sorrows on the referees. Nevermind their own idiotic propensity to take obvious penalties all game (not just in the fourth), or their secondary deciding to take the last 10 minutes of the game off, or any other reason that they gagged away a golden opportunity to knock off the NFL's evil empire. Don't pay any attention to any of that, the Ravens players say, it was the refs! They're on the take!

"I felt like we played our hearts out tonight and got some bogus calls, but it is what it is... Pass interference, the holding on [Jamaine] Winborne. There was a lot. I can't even remember them all."
--Baltimore RB Willis McGahee

Err, Willis, did you actually watch the call on Winborne? He basically tackled Ben Watson. That is in clear violation of the agreed-upon rules. You can't expect situational calling just because you're at home on the verge of the upset of the year; not even to mention suggesting to the media that the refs were "bogus" when they made the obvious textbook call on the play? What about Derrick Mason more or less trying to put Asante Samuel in a sleeper-hold on the last play? No call there, and it nearly won you the game!

But, of course, the Ravens' bitching didn't stop there. Oh, no, they had to go so far as to suggest that the timeout on the 4th-and-1 play the Ravens' D had seemingly stopped was a machination of underhanded officiating...

"I didn't hear a timeout. That was very convenient."
--Baltimore LB Bart Scott

You're just fucking with us, right, dude? The video monitors clearly showed Rex Ryan calling the timeout from the Ravens' sideline before the snap. Clearly!

So nevermind your Trojan-Enz Boner of the Year for getting back-to-back unsportsmanlike conduct calls (isn't that an automatic ejection?) on the game's most important play for throwing the ref's flag into the stands, because the refs called the timeout and not your coaches, right, Bart? Simply astounding.

This is an attitude that starts with Brian Billick, filters down through his assistants and gets permanently imprinted on his players' psyches. No other team in the NFL comports themselves--on such a complete,full-team level--in this manner after even the toughest loss. If Baltimore ever wants to get back to an elite level (which, I'm sorry to say, they were not in 2006, regardless of their regular season record), they need to jettison the head coach that lets 53 grown men act like a bunch of children.

...as a Browns fan, I hope they don't. Ever. more...

I feel sick all over...

Maybe it's the fact that I had to work for 12 hours yesterday.  Maybe it's the cold General Tso's I had when I got back from said 12-hour shift.  Maybe it's the fact that my TiVo is filled with old episodes of Scrubs and Family Guy, all of which I've seen about 700 times each.

But more than anything, it's probably that, due mostly to the last three years, I'm nowhere near used to watching Ohio State lose a regular season game.  Let alone at home or on Senior Day or to Ron Fucking Zook.

Surely, this is not the Michigan Week we intended at the beginning of the season...

To date, the Tressel Vessel has now been out-coached with better talent on the field twice.  Both to assholes who either coach or used to coach Dan Shanoff's "best three-loss team in the history of everything" Florida.  And both in games where there was surefire national title implications on the line.  Perhaps it's karmic payback for beating Illinois in basketball when they were unbeaten and #1 a few years ago.  That's not for me to know.

Anyway, this sucks out loud for all Buckeye fans, but in theory it's better than the alternative - getting waxed in a championship game to another SEC team.  Or Oregon or Oklahoma (that was quite the alliteration).  Now it's Michigan, a Big Ten title and a Rose Bowl on the line.

But I will say this: if one copy editor has the gall to use the "Ohio State gets Juiced" headline, I'm coming the fuck after them.

And also - I give JTBI mild dap for his new rendition of Carmen Ohio - "How firm they friendship...Citrus Bowl".  Outback Bowl would also have worked.  I'll counter with, "Cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame... Raise up the echoes, just win one game [all year against a dismal UCLA Team]".  Maybe not as catchy, but what, these days, is?

more...

[Redacted], News and Views -- 11.5.07

Some random musings from the world of sports after a momentous weekend, including the enormous 4:05 ET Sunday NFL game with gargantuan playoff implications...

• All joking aside, the Browns are 5-3? With a schedule against a bunch of schmucks following next week's showdown in Pittsburgh? Holy crap, they could cruise into the playoffs at this point! I don't even know what to say.
• Thanks a million, BC, for defecating the Tempur-pedic on Saturday night and sending the BCS into a tailspin of nonsense for the next 5 weeks.
• The NBA's Eastern Conference may be wide-open, but I will tell you one team that will not make the NBA Finals from it: the Boston Celtics. Like JTBI always says, baby steps. (And maybe have a bench that looks better than that of the 1993 Dallas Mavericks)
• Hey, New York Rangers, pull your heads out of your fucking asses.
• Speaking of the NHL... has an entire team ever been suspended for the remainder of a season for dirty play? If not, I nominate the 07-08 Philadelphia Flyers to be the first.
• Best season of Curb Your Enthusiasm ever? It's on pace.
• If Kansas wins out, they have to be in the National Championship game. The 2007 installment of the Big XII may again be in the running for "WORST CONFERENCE EVAR" but if a BCS team goes unbeaten, you have to put them in the title game, even if LSU wins out.
• Possible NC game trip-ups for contenders from here on out: Kansas vs. Mizzou, Kansas vs. (probably) Oklahoma, LSU vs. Arkansas, LSU vs. (probably) Georgia, Ohio State vs. Illinois, Oregon vs. Oregon State.
• No, I'm not accidentally forgetting someone; Michigan is so goddamned unimpressive. Allowing 24 points to a completely inept offense and needing a last-second comeback to beat a team that lost to Northwestern? LLLLLloyd Carr may not be around to coach at the Citrus Capital One Bowl on New Year's Day.
• Is anyone else rooting for LSU to lose again just so CBS can finally discontinue their five-month SEC handjob? Just asking.
• Hey, Michigan State basketball, at least you didn't go Ultimate UVA and lose to a D2 school like Chaminade... but you came damn close. Grand Valley State? Really?
• Prediction: Ohio State will enter March Madness with no worse than a #5 seed.
• The two best divisions in the NHL right now are the Central and the Northeast. Seriously.
• $100 to anyone who could, today, properly pick all six AFC playoff teams. By the end of tonight there will be, no matter what, a stunning 11 AFC teams with a record of .500 or better.
• You may need 11 wins to make the playoffs in the AFC this year... and 7 in the NFC. (Though the Giants and Lions will probably each have 9-10)
  
• Will somebody please decide they want to win the NFL's western divisions? The Seahawks? The Chargers? I don't care, someone just win these albatrosses, lose in the wild card round, and get on with it.
• As a Browns fan, I would still--in hindsight--draft Joe Thomas over Adrian Peterson 10 times out of 10. The Browns' success to this point is due almost entirely to the revamped offensive line.
• Oh, right, Colts-Patriots... Tom Brady may be Big Balls McGee today, but I sincerely think the Colts will win at Foxboro in January.
• Not to go all Simmons on you, but my buddy Mike had "Mark it down, Pittsburgh at New England, AFC Championship game," as his AIM away message last night. So noted, Michael: November 4th, 2007, was the day you officially lost your goddamned mind.
• Three outrageously overrated college football teams: Oklahoma, Michigan, Virginia Tech.
• The only two lessons I've learned about the NBA through one week of games: Kobe is awesome and awesomely distracting; the Knicks still suck.

more...

Some questions for the OBC

So, Steve...

What's up buddy? How ya doin' tonight? Just, ah, just some questions for ya, here...

1- Would Tennessee, too, be ranked #1 with Ohio State's schedule?

2- Would Vanderbilt, of whom you think so highly, have walked into Beaver Stadium at night and curb-stomped Penn State?

3- How does it feel to watch Philip Fulmer walk off the field with a shit-eating grin on his face after your team snatched defeat from the jaws of certain victory?

4- If you can't spell Citrus without UT, would it be fair to say that you can't spell suck without USC? more...

Boycotting The World Series -- The Game 1 Live Blog

I told you on Sunday night that I was boycotting the World Series Game 1, so I decided to share with the public both my reasons why and my methods for boycotting Red Sox v. Rockies in the Fall Classic. First off:

THE REASONS

1- 8:23 start times. These games just start way too late for someone whose alarm clock kicks on at 4:55 am. Seriously, Allan, couldn't your league start their games at a time that makes it possible for folks in Eastern Daylight Time to go to bed at a reasonable hour? Even the frigging NHL starts their playoff games at 7:00 ET. For shame, Allan, your playoff scheduling has been bested by Gary freaking Bettman. Think about that.

2- Too painful. I just can't look at this series without thinking about what might have been, especially granted the NL's Quad-A status in 2007. I stand by my sentiment that the Indians would've romped over Colorado, even if they'd won in seven over Boston.

3- Not very compelling. I think Boston pretty much 100% outclassses the Rockies here. My official pick is Red Sox in 4, by the way, because after Beckett annihilates the Rockies tonight, Colorado is gonna fold like the WUSA. I don't expect it to be highly riveting baseball.

THE LIVE BLOG:

7:45 PM -- I clicked over to the XBox 360 in hopes that my download of the Guitar Hero III demo that I started at 4:30 would be done. Guess again; 49%. Looks like I won't be practicing up on Even Flow to pass the time tonight.

8:05 PM -- I can hear the pregame in the other room. You see, my roommate is a big baseball fan with no cheering interest in these playoffs (he's a White Sox fan from Chicago) so he just wants to enjoy October baseball. I can't in good conscience deny him this very reasonable request so I have relocated base camp to my bedroom, which is sans cable.

8:10 PM -- My dad calls me. I answer the phone by berating him for letting me be born a Cleveland fan. "Why couldn't you and mom have moved to Chicago or Miami or somewhere that has teams that wins championships? Jesus!" (NB: JTBI made that joke first with his dad on Sunday, I just couldn't resist tonight.)

8:23 PM -- And we're underway. I think. I'm only guessing right now because I can't hear the game. Due to my burning hatred of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver that was born many years ago, I don't even want to listen to their copyright protected accounts and descriptions of Game 1, so I put on Forty Licks and turn up Street Fighting Man to a reasonable volume and continue to troll teh intarwebs.

8:40 PM -- This is immensely boring. I can sorta hear Fenway rocking from in here and I kinda want to go see what's going on, but I won't. I need to stick to my guns on this one. I boycotted the entire 2000 World Series and it's pretty much worked out-- no New York team has won a World Series (or any other world title) since. By this train of thought, this could put a nice little jinx on Boston and Denver, which would please me greatly.

8:52 PM -- Phone call from one of the other commissioners in my fantasy football league. He tells me it's 3-1 Boston, I tell him I could give a shit. The big league controversy this week is over rent-a-player trades. In our league two owners want to swap Jason Elam and Keith Bulluck for week 8 then return the players to their original squads in week 9. I am strongly opposed to this because I think rent-a-player deals are bullshit and should be against the rules. I am apparently the only member of our tri-commissioner panel who feels this way so the rent-a-player deals are all going to get league approval. Because my esteemed-yet-misguided compatriots have made this decision, I will soon show them the error of their ways by renting Tom Brady to a team one of them is playing a few weeks down the line when I'm playing a league also-ran. Rent-a-player... what hogwash.

9:15 PM -- I'm thirsty and need a drink, so I head to the kitchen for a pop. On my way there I see my roommate (inexplicably) laying on the floor and watching Nick GaS, which is currently airing a block of GUTS. I ask him if Game 1 is at commercial, his response is, "I don't know, it's really brutal to watch, Colorado is totally outgunned." Side note -- Nick GaS is BY FAR the best channel to have on digital cable when you're drinking; there is nothing quite like watching Legends of the Hidden Temple when you're wasted. A close second in this category is VH1 Classic, because it's like you're playing russian roulette with your beer; you never know when Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" video is gonna come on and make you burst out laughing mid-sip, causing a genuine spit-take.

9:30 PM -- I am to understand that it's now 4-1 Boston. I am not surprised to hear this. I'm getting a little bored with "How I Met Your Mother" trivia on Facebook, so I head over to Wikipedia to check out the finalized track listing for Guitar Hero III and it looks absolutely epic. I may have peed my pants a little when I saw that the encore on level 7 is "Pride and Joy." I had a similar reaction seeing Metallica's "One" in the final tier of regular songs, as well. You can be damn sure I put in a pre-order for that sumbitch already.

9:55 PM -- My roommate is once again watching GUTS on Nick GaS when he calls me in to witness the GUTS equivalent to armageddon: three girl participants. Now I don't mean to be sexist here--okay maybe I do--but girls just could never hang on GUTS with the guys their own age. Very rarely you might see a gender-based upset when a puffy little nerdy guy (these kids were always, without fail, on the blue team) would lose to an enormous girl you were positive became a lacrosse goalie with a size-50 ass who listened to Indigo Girls in high school, but the girl still only finished in second place behind the average-sized dude who was the red player. Occasionally I've seen two girls and one dude on GUTS and the guy mops up 100% of the time... but three girls? Christ, I'd almost rather watch the Rockies flail around against the BoSox' Racist Ace-est. Almost.

10:01 PM -- My roommate is going to bed, he's seen enough of the Rockies getting dominated by Beckett, so I'm relocating back to the living room so I can watch some DVR'ed shows.

10:02 PM -- The GH3 demo I started at 4:30 is now 62% done. At this rate I'm going to be able to play the full version when UPS delivers it next week before this goddamn demo downloads. I digress, time for Curb Your Enthusiasm on the DVR.

10:15 PM -- Not ironic: anything Tim McCarver has referred to as ironic tonight; almost ironic: my DVR acted like it was about to crap out in the middle of this week's Curb; completely ironic: every time Bob Davie criticizes a coach for mis-managing the clock on national TV.

10:27 PM -- HO. LY. SHIT. Possibly the funniest Curb to date. It's already right up there with my personal favorite, "The Doll" from season 2, where Larry is pitching the Julia Louis-Dreyfus show to ABC. "You got long-ass balls!" Larry David is a freaking genius. Also, Lucy Lawless got way hot.

10:30 PM -- Phone call from my other fantasy football co-commissioner on this rent-a-player nonsense. I concede, knowing that the other two commishes won't revisit the idea of banning player rentals until the offseason. Whatever.

10:55 PM -- While ironing out the details on fairly regulating player rentals, the other commish informs me that it is now 12-1 Boston in the 5th. Two thoughts on this: 1- I had a feeling that would happen; 2- it's only the fifth inning at 11 PM EDT?!?

11:00 PM -- GH3 demo download at 75%. I am officially becoming slightly obsessed with this game.

11:17 PM -- My phone pretty much has died, and I've gotten so bored that I've resorted to re-reading SeanBaby's NES Page for the 13,000th time. Seven years after first finding this site, I am still laughing at it like I was Dane Cook and I just told a joke that I thought was really funny.

11:20 PM -- Okay, I've had enough. I'm gonna take some NyQuil and go pass out. I can only hope this written transcript of my boycott will influence you, too, to ignore this year's Fall Classic in favor of something--ANYTHING--better. Good night, friends. more...