Great Moments in TV Edit History

In all seriousness, one of my favorite things of all time is R-rated movies being edited for TV. It's always been my opinion that it takes a special kind of genius to turn a scene about farts in Mallrats into a scene about throwing up (seriously, ABC, is puking less offensive than farting?). Over the course of the last 25+ years, there have been some insanely amusing TV edits of R-rated films such as The Big Lebowski, Bad Santa and Animal House, but for this sports fan's money it just doesn't get any better than the climactic inning of Major League.

	Did I think about buying this? Yes I did.

With Wild Thing Vaughn getting ready to pitch to AL Triple Crown winner Clue Haywood with the bases loaded and 2 out in the top of the 9th, "the out [he's] been waiting [his] whole life for," Roger Dorn approaches the mound. The previous night Vaughn had unknowingly slept with Dorn's wife, only to find out later who she was, and Dorn is not happy. Now anyone who saw the movie in theaters or owns the DVD or VHS (I believe it's required of all Indians fans like JTBI and myself) knows what happens next... unless you're watching on United States television, in which case you hear this:

"Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: strike this GUY out."

On TV "GUY," of course, replaces the most notorious of 12-letter words. I wish there were legal versions of this on YouTube somewhere because it's so insane. You replace a four-syllable word with a three-letter word and don't adjust the volume or Dorn's lip movements or anything. It's just so great. I want all of you to find the next showing of Major League on TBS or where ever just so you can see this scene. The rest of the TV edit is hilarious ("I say: forget you, Jobu!"), but pales in comparison to Dorn's pep talk. more...

The Morning After on TSE - 7.19.2007

Live from New York, it's LeBron James.

That's what they should probably say to kick off the season premier of NBC's once brilliant, now aging sketch comedy show, Saturday Night Live. LeBron James will host the premier later in the year. I've been a fan of SNL since I can remember but it has certainly become a shell of it's former self in the last five or six years, bringing in awful stage acts (cough, Ashlee Simpson, cough) and mediocre hosts (COUGH Dane Cook COUGH).

The funniest episode of last season, however, was hosted by the loveable Peyton Manning's The slack-jawed goody-two-shoes Superbowl champion Manning made fun of everything from the NFL (the United Way sketch is easily the funniest thing from SNL in the last two years) to himself (the Tom Brady joke during the monologue). The bar, while not terribly high (Tom Brady's performance a few years ago and the Jordan SNL in 1991 weren't too great, if memory serves) was raised by Manning and the question is: can LeBron clear it?

Of course he can.

There are two sides to LeBron and both are undeniably good. We've all seen what he can do on the hardwood; his season opener two years ago when he drained 4-4 threes to open his year was pretty impressive and who can forget game five of the Eastern Conference Finals? But LeBron has all that talent on the other side of the spectrum as well.


One of the funniest series of commercials I've seen in a long time were the Nike ads for "The LeBrons", hawking the Cleveland superstar's new kicks. There's LeBron playing basketball against a mini-him, a cool-him and an old-him, each with different personalities, voices and everything. Creative, funny and interesting - three things SNL has lacked for the last few years.

We also know that LeBron can be quick on his feet, and not just on the court. While I didn't exactly watch the ESPYs this year, most viewers gave James winning reviews for his performance. He can dance, sing and perform before a live studio audience and outshine Jimmy Kimmel (is that a complement?). And anyone who can break-dance in Hammer pants in a sketch called "My LeBrongative" a la Bobby Brown should be able to handle the SNL stage with ease.

So which sports figure will end up having the best SNL Appearance? Like I said, I wasn't too big on Brady's or Jordan's (hell, The Rock's was better by comparison) and Manning's was pretty good. But I think LeBron's will be the ruler to which all other sports people are measured. He's proven he's just too good, on the court and off, not to have a good show.

So I applaud NBC's decision to go after a talent like LeBron James to host the flagship show of the current 4th place network - the odds say it'll probably be better than Bionic Woman. more...

Dear. God. I. Want. This. Room.

I constantly hear about how a team's fan base is more aggressive or rampant about their team, or at least more so than Ohio State's. Submitted above is evidence to the contrary. Go ahead and put your Bear Bryant replica hats on the mantle and hang your "Play Like a Champion Today" posters above your door. I'll take the Horseshoe room any day of the week, twice on Saturday.

(h/t: With Leather and EDSBS)

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[Redacted], News and Views No. 2

Here is yet another edition of your total ripoff of homage to Larry King with [Redacted], News and Views (it's been awhile since my last TNV so there will be some older material in here as well)...

• Did you hear that David Beckham is coming to the LA Galaxy? News to me.
  
• The NY Rangers loading themselves for bear could be the best thing to happen to the NHL this offseason.
• Has any North American pro sports team ever turned over their entire roster between seasons? The Portland Trailblazers are basically Brandon Roy away from doing just that.
• Re: The new Gillette commercials. Roger Federer, Tiger Woods, Thierry Henry; one of these things is not like the others.
• I've decided that I don't really want an iPhone. Yet.
  
• NBC's Wimbledon coverage this year, like CBS' Final Four coverage, was exemplary. Everything you hope for when it comes to live sports broadcasts. Top marks to Dick Ebersol's people.
  
• Who's Now? is genuinely getting worse every time I see it. Sooner or later it's just going to cause my TV to burst into flames and burn this whole place down.
• Since Stephen A. Smith appeared on the first week of First Take and successfully outfoxed Skip Bayless, he's gone from being infuriating to becoming downright watchable on the air. I should go shower; I feel dirty just writing that.
• Transformers was flippin' awesome.
• Rashard Lewis is good; he is not $126m good.
• The Singing Bee and Don't Forget the Lyrics... hmm.
• Sidney Crosby signs for nearly $2m less yearly than he could have in order to keep the talented nucleus of the Penguins intact. Actions like that from the league's top star make me think there is hope for the NHL yet.
• The WWE would like to once again remind you that they don't think steroids played a part in the Chris Benoit tragedy.
• Kelly Naqi: since you are officially now the Michael Vick beat reporter for ESPN, please gather notes from Pedro Gomez (Barry Bonds), Shelley Smith (Kobe Bryant), Sal Palantonio (Terrell Owens, PHI) and Ed Werder (Terrell Owens, DAL) on how to be the best personal attache you can be.
• ESPN responds to internal criticism of corporate whoring and advertising steering editorial decisions by saying that SportsCenter has one of the smallest averages of ad block time on cable; an easy claim to make when EVERY GODDAMN IN-SHOW SEGMENT HAS A FREAKING CORPORATE SPONSOR!
• Lloyd is taking a leave of absence from Entourage? This had better not mean more Vince to fill time.
• Speaking of Entourage, I would totally go watch Medellin.
• Gary Sheffield says Joe Torre plays favorites based on race but he isn't racist. Which is it? Then Sheffield proves his own stupidity by saying that Derek Jeter "isn't all the way black." Riiiiight.
• Please do not be fooled by the Yankees' hot start after the All-Star break. Their first 28 games after the mid-summer classic are all against sub-.500 teams before they hit a brutal August/September stretch featuring Cleveland, Detroit, Boston, Seattle and Anaheim. Let's gauge the Yankees' playoff chances after THOSE games, and not after they play Tampa and Toronto, shall we?
• JTBI points out: there may not be a more dangerous playoff team in the bigs right now than the San Diego Padres.

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The Morning After on TSE - 7.18.2007

Ah computers. We often times forget how meaningful they are until the evil overlords at work kick me off of them to do manual labor. Tragic. But now for something special, nigh unheard of around these parts: I'm going to flip-flop on something. It doesn't happen much so savor the flavor.



Awhile back, I posted about the beginning of this whole Michael Vick Dogfighting saga. The goal of this post was to bring to light all of the worse things going on in the NFL and the world, and how Colin Cowherd was spending 25 minutes calling people idiots and saying that Michael Vick was the anti-Christ. I thought the whole thing was stupid and I ignored it, for the most part. Man, was I wrong.

Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury yesterday and the writing on the wall isn't too pretty. The 18-page indictment is filled with alleged crimes and infractions but it gets really bad when the indictment reveals some, well, details:

"...not a single line in the 18-page indictment will generate more rage toward
Vick and the others charged -- Purnell A. Peace, Quanis L. Phillips and Tony
Taylor -- than a sentence near the end. It reads: 'In or about April of 2007,
Peace, Phillips and Vick executed approximately eight dogs that did not perform
well in 'testing' sessions at 1915 Moonlight Road by various methods, including
hanging, drowning and slamming at least one dog's body to the ground.'"

I've also heard that one dog had the unfortunate fate of being covered in water and electrocuted. I have an iron stomach and I thought "The Hills Have Eyes" wasn't gory enough, but this whole situation sickens me.

Roger Cossack on SportsCenter today mentioned that for this thing to go through, it's going to take upwards of a year before guilt or innocence is pronounced on the Falcons QB but even so, we are forced to guess as to what Der Kommissar Roger Goodell is going to do to Vick under the new disciplinary policies he's enacted on the league. Normally, the stiffest penalties in Goodell's system go to repeat offenders, of which Vick is not a part, so he could actually walk away from this with little or no penalty from the league. But considering Goodell's track record I wouldn't bet the farm on that.

Vick is going to go down hard, both by the NFL's hand and by the US Government's. Everyone he did business with in 2001-2002, the majority of dates indicated in the indictment, has turned state's evidence against Vick, probably in exchange for immunity. My guess is one of Vick's "associates" will do the same, unless Vick beats him to the punch. All told, this thing is going to get a lot uglier before we know if Michael Vick will ever suit up in the NFL again.

Although, in a strange coincidence that may prove beneficial to Atlanta, Daunte Culpepper just became available...

And I'm not above joking around about this. KSK has a very funny take on this situation. more...

The Something After on TSE - 7.17.2007

I am not against scratching my own back or the back of another when the situation merits. And here at TSE, all of us are at our best when we're complementing ourselves. Which is why I am going to take this post to congratulate (or h/t, to use the parlance of the blogosphere) JTBI, wait, scratch that, Jed DeMuesy (the strapping young gent pictured above, in the center) who last night became the newest member of the world of sports media. That's right, friends, only two months out of college and he's the Sports Director up in Marquette, Michigan. Whether or not he'll have time to be a Sports Elitist is still in the air, so enjoy him here while you can. Lord knows Seaward and I will.

Anyway, for the readers and for JTBI, I think we would all do well to learn about the wondrous city of Marquette, Michigan. Some fun facts:

- Marquette was founded originally by Amos Harlow, who originally named the city Worchester, after the city of the same name in Massachusetts. COOL!!

- The Marquette General Hospital serves most of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. NEAT!
(GoCM: wait, this is in the fucking Upper Peninsula?)

- On the sports side of things, Marquette is the site of the world's second largest man-made dome, the Superior Dome, named both for the lake and it's vast size*. SPIFFY!!!

- Marquette is home to the GLIAC (Great Lakes Intercollegiate Athletic Conference) powerhouse Northern Michigan University. WILDCAT-TASTIC**!

- Robert Tarver's immortal 1958 classic*, "Anatomy of a Murder" is set in Marquette, Michigan. AWESOME!!

- Marquette is also 308 miles away from all the JTBI-haters in Madison, Wisconsin. FUN!!!

As you can see, JTBI will be bringing the noise to a place in desperate need of it.* Congratulations to the man, the myth and the legend from the rest of us at TSE.

*probably
**I am heretofore trademarking this phrase. JTBI - you may use this during newscasts for a nominal (read: large) royalty fee. You're welcome. more...

The Something After on TSE - 7.16.2007

So the evil overlords at...wherever it is I work...have decided to have me box (giggity) up files and take the boxes (giggity) up to another room and then stack and store the boxes (giggity). And every now and then I run by a file with a "6" and a "9" in consecutive order and then put it in a box. That, friends, is the Alpha and the Omega of what gets me through my work day. Hence, I was unable to bring the noise with a TMA for the morning. My apologies. And seeing as my lunch break is almost over, this post probably won't go the distance, either. Hopefully JTBI or Seaward can do something for the rest of the day. Though I doubt it. more...