Sunday, October 21, 2007

Festivus is still 2 months away, but I'm still airing grievances.

OK, I'm gonna vent here... and I just don't care.

Boston: you do not fucking deserve this. Your team is full of assholes. Your ace is an asshole. Your cleanup hitter is an asshole. Your rookie of the year is an asshole. Every member of your $100 million dollar overseas investment's media entourage is an asshole. Your bought-and-paid-for Media Relations wing in Bristol, CT, is a campus full of assholes. Assholes the whole lot.

Your fans certainly do not fucking deserve this. With absolutely no due respect to The Ghost, who is somehow a Red Sox fan despite living in Ohio his entire life, your fans are the biggest assholes upon the landscape of Major League Baseball--and yes, I am counting Yankees fans. At least Yankees fans understand who and what they are. They are the jerks who outspend everyone and expect to win the World Series every year. They make no secrets about this. Boston fans, however, act like they are the little scrappy underdog team with a shoestring budget that everyone always writes off. It's always Red Sox vs. the world in Boston. To hell with that shit. This year you outspent everyone but the Yankees in order to create a hulking pulsating lineup that was quite frankly one blown call from a second-base umpire from a long fucking night on Sunday.

I take that back, actually. It is Red Sox vs. the world, now. Why? Because everybody hates you smug douchelickers. We all hope you get hit by a bus full of AIDS.

I'm sure if any Red Sox fans stumble across this, they'll do exactly what they used to get so worked up about Yankees fans doing and talk shit about the fanbase of a tortured team venting after a heart-wrenching loss in a series where every break humanly possible went against them and yet they still deserved to go to the World Series more than their beloved fucking Red Sox. So today, right now, I am sending a sterling silver FUCK YOU to "Red Sox Nation."

Red Sox Nation, by the way, thanks a whole fucking lot. Thanks to you douchebags, every single goddamn fanbase in the galaxy calls themselves [Insert Team] Nation. Denver Bronco Nation, Orlando Magic Nation, Montana Grizzly Nation. Are you kidding me? Seriously? These are not nations; they do not have political borders. If they did, god help us all. Can you imagine a nation of fucking Red Sox fans? They would be axis, equator and globe of evil. We couldn't bomb them fast enough.

And getting back to a point I made earlier... holy shit, who hired these goddamn umpires? They were a disgrace from pillar to post. Dana Demuth's strike zone in Game 6 looked like a World War II era fighter jet trying to acquire a target lock on an F-15. Honest to god, I wasn't sure the man had ever heard of an outside strike when Fausto Carmona was pitching and then all of the sudden Demuth looked like Eric fucking Gregg with Curt "Livan Hernandez" Schilling on the mound. Holy inconsistent strike zone, Batman!

Then in Game 7, after I didn't think the umpiring could get any worse, Brian Gorman stares right at Kenny Lofton sliding in under Julio Lugo's tag in a critically important inning against a quickly folding Daisuke Matsuzaka and doesn't even think twice before shitting his pants and calling Lofton out. I would like to remind Mr. Gorman that this is not kickball, the ball doesn't need to merely beat the runner to the bag; he must be tagged out in this situation before safely reaching the bag. I don't think I need to pull out a MLB rulebook to make sure I'm right in this case. If the correct call were made in this situation, the Indians tie the ball game in the 5th and everything changes. If Bud Selig had any common sense (sadly we know he does not) he would take the umpiring roster from the 2007 American League Championship Series and promptly fire each and every one of them and dock them their entire season's pay. That's right-- the umpires were so bad and so genuinely affected the outcome of a critical series that they deserve to lose an entire year of their livelihoods. You heard me.

Everyone always loves to talk about karma; about The Baseball Gods. I am here to tell you that The Baseball Gods are dead. Karma does not exist in baseball. If it did, a team with the Boston fanbase and showboats like Manny Ramirez wouldn't even make the playoffs, much less advance to the World Series. But here we are, the Red Sox are playing the Rockies for the world title. I, for one, will not be watching. Baseball is dead to me for the remainder of 2007. There is no joy in America, the fucking assholes from Boston are going to the World Series. Go Rockies.

I am bitter. These are sour grapes. Y'know what? I don't care. I hate Boston.

No comments: