It's Always Sunny on TSE - "The Gang Picks the Weekend" Part II

Outstanding.

Here are your 5 selected college locks 'o' the week.

Ohio State (-23.5) over Northwestern.

After OState's first few home games, I would doubt that the Buckeyes could even put 23 points on the board, but Boeckman turned around at UW and the defense is too good.  And NW just lost to Duke.  In football.

Alabama (-3.5) over Georgia

I'm buying the Tide at home, if only so Nick Saban can ratchet himself up the ladder only to fuck over Alabama for the NFL and then fuck over the NFL for another college program.  And hopefully his plane will crash somewhere in middle America trying to lock down one of the aforementioned jobs.  Seriously, fuck that guy with a spoon.

Penn State (-3) over Michigan

I don't like this pick at all.  Anthony Morelli is not good and will likely go to hell, or wherever bad Jews go when they die, for playing.  Morelli is jewish right?  Anyway, Penn State's defense hasn't had to play ANYONE this year.  I keep hearing "most well-rounded Big 10 team" associated with Penn State but that's like being the fat chick with the least amount of facial hair.  But the only team UM has beaten at home is Notre Dame and that's like beating a Division 1-AA school...wait, what?

South Carolina (+18) over LSU

Yes, LSU is really good.  Sure, Les Miles is probably on the way out.  But get fucking serious.  USC (the one on the right side of the country, directionally speaking) and The Ol' Ball Coach will keep this one close and will probably lose like they did against Florida last year - which will be by much less than 18 points.

Kentucky (+7) over Arkansas

Darren McFadden is still the toast of the Heisman race and will keep that up this weekend but Kentucky's offense will stay with him easily - Just ask Alabama what it's like playing the Hogs in the 4th quarter.  Puh-lease.  I'd take the cover and the straight up win.

There you have it.  Call your bookies.  And if you have a gambling problem, call your shrink.  But call your bookie first.

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It's Always Sunny on TSE - "The Gang Picks the Weekend"

I love this show.

Anyway, here are selected picks, or Locks 'o' the Week as I am wont to call them (home teams in bold):

Baltimore (-8) over Arizona
Baltimore may only score 9 points, but that will be enough to cover.

Carolina (-4) over Atlanta
You can take the dog out of the fight, but you can't take the...wait, too easy. Atlanta is awfully woeful this year and Steve Smith is all-world. Blowout in the dome.

Dallas (+3) over Chicago
I really like Dallas to run away with the NFC. They'll beat Chicago to prove it. Also, Tony Romo is on my fantasy team and I'm 2-0.

Indy (-6) over Houston
Hi, Houston. I'm earth - welcome back down to me.

New England (-16.5!!!!!) over Buffalo.
Yes, Buffalo is awful, and no, one should never EVER bet a cover over 10 points. But New England is ridiculous and Buffalo, much like Kevin Everett, is barely moving. Too soon?

Pittsburgh (-8.5) over San Francisco.
The Steelers have snacked on the likes of the Brownies (who are not a good team) and the Bills (see above). Big Ben is back and that Defense is fo' real.

Seattle (3.5) over Cincinnati
Here's my math on this one: Shaun Alexander + the Bengal run D = bad week for Cincinnati. The Bungles are back, baby.

New Orleans (-4) over Tennessee on MNF
The last time the Saints played a somewhat meaningful game on Monday night, they beat the living shit out of the Falcons. Vince Young will be good (2-0 in fantasy, baby!) but NO will cover the four they're getting.

Remember, this is all for fun and by no means for realz. Betting is bad, addiction is even worse. If you have a problem get help, or whatever. If not, take these bets to the guy at the bar who looks like John Candy and get ready to collect or get your thumbs broken on Tuesday.  College picks later today. more...

TSE's Best of the Best of...Sports Media

As a running feature, TSE will bring you the Best of the Best of... (gotta find a more concise title) and today's feature is Sports Media and we begin with The newest Nike Football commercial.

I have seen this commercial about 20 times and I'm still not sick of it.  In fact, I'm still trying to find something, anything, wrong with it.  Seriously, I stop fast-forwarding commercials on my DVR so that I can watch this ad.  So I present it here.

Starring: Shawn Merriman and Steven Jackson.
Directed by: Michael Mann (!!)
Music: "The Promontory" from Last of the Mohicans.

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Weekend Selections - The Seaward

(Home teams in bold)

NCAA Week 2

#2 LSU over #9 Virginia Tech -- The Tigers don't give a rat's ass about America's Team.
#3 West Virginia over Marshall -- WE ARE. INSANELY OVERMATCHED.
#4 Florida over Troy -- Can DeMarcus Ware get a 5th year of eligibility to make this interesting? Please?
#5 Oklahoma over Miami -- It wasn't too long ago that this game would've been relevant...
#5 Wisconsin over UNLV -- A TSE writer dies a little bit inside every time he picks Wisco.
#19 TCU over #7 Texas -- I don't trust any Big XII team whose QB looks like he's 11 years old.
#10 Cal over Colorado State -- In the battle of overrated trim vs. underrated trim... overrated trim wins. Le sigh.
#11 Georgia over South Carolina -- I smell overtime here. UGA isn't that good and SC isn't that bad.
#12 Ohio State over Akron -- No Charlie Frye + No Dominic Hixon = 49-3 OSU at half.
#13 UCLA over BYU -- Last year this game would've been sick. This year it's a left coast afternoon yawner.
#14 Penn State over Notre Dame -- Not even Anthony Morelli could screw this up.
#16 Nebraska over Wake Forest -- But I'll be rooting for the Deacs.
#17 Auburn over South Florida -- Once again with no Brad Lester, all Brandon Cox has to do is not suck; I may be forced to reconsider this pick.
#20 Hawaii over La. Tech -- Colt Brennan. Colt Brennan. Colt Brennan.
#21 Georgia Tech over Samford -- Could Samford be any worse than the Golden Dome last week?
Washington over #22 Boise State -- Tyrone Willingham is unamused with your gadgetry.
#23 Texas A&M over Fresno State -- The Aggies may be the most underrated (and therefore best) team in the Little Dozen.
#24 Tennessee over Southern Miss. -- JTBI's hopes of Phil Fulmer going 0-fer in '07 are dashed.
#25 Clemson over UL-Monroe -- Reminder to the Tigers: this is not hockey; games do not end after 3 periods.

NFL Week 1

Broncos over Bills -- Denver's Secondary > Buffalo's Receivers.
Steelers over Browns -- God in heaven, I better be wrong.
Eagles over Packers -- Big Daddy Drew said it best yesterday, but the Eagles in September are generally unstoppable.
Panthers over Rams -- I flipped a coin to pick this game.
Vikings over Falcons -- Atlanta is a total gongshow this year; I may not pick them once.
Patriots over Jets -- The Pats have no business not going 16-0 this year.
Miami over Washington -- For one shining moment, Ronnie Brown is slightly less enfuriating to fantasy owners than Clinton Portis.
Titans over Jaguars -- You, too, could play quarterback for the Jags this week!
Chiefs over Texans -- I'm starting to get uneasy picking so many road teams but most of these are no brainers.
Seahawks over Buccaneers -- I don't really have to explain this, do I?
Cowboys over Giants -- Like most others, you'll probably be rooting for cancer on Sunday night.
Bengals over Ravens -- Kinda Overrated gets the best of Massively, Staggeringly, Egregiously Overrated on MNF.
San Francisco over Arizona -- All good running backs at Candlestick on Monday take one step forward. Not so fast, Edgerrin.

(Last Week: Asleep) more...

TSE NFL Games of the Week

Well, first post in a while, and first post ever in the UP. Good to be back. The air is a lot fresher up here, and thats because we are pushing for no more sulfide mining. Billboards all across the UP state that Wisconsin has stopped doing it, we should too. Which I guess is a nice way of saying, "Good Lord, if Wisconsin can manage to do it, why can't we?" I'll leave it at that.

Aaaaanyway, moving on. The NFL is kicking off this week, and as always there are a slew of games that the powers that be at the League office and national networks every week think are more important than others. Naturally, they are right, and these games are more important than the others. Let's take a look:

Thursday Night: New Orleans v. Indianapolis

The Meddling Parents Bowl

Sure, on the surface this matchup looks like the Super Bowl champs hosting a team that fell a game short of making this a Super Bowl rematch. I urge all of you to look a little deeper. Take a look at the starting quarterbacks, for instance.

Peyton Manning is a good southern boy, raised to respect his elders. One of the biggest parts of respecting your elders is, of course, to keep the paychecks coming in to your daddy for as long as you can. Peyton loves his daddy, and will do anything to keep him relevant. Sportscenter commercials, week-long footballing camps, whatever Archie wants to do, Peyton can make it happen.

Now if that ain't the dag-gum cutest picture you've ever seen. Don't know what in tarnation could be. A ding-dang-do.

Conversley, Drew Brees hates his mother and would rather she just leave him alone.

Drew was none too happy that his mother was using his likeness in campaign ads. Now, would a good Southern boy like Peyton have done that to his Mommy if she were running for the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals in Texas. No rootin'-tootin' way.

Which quarterback will prevail? The Daddy's boy or the Mom hater? NBC has all the action Thursday night.

Sunday Night: New York at Dallas

The Hardass Bowl

A match-up of divisional foes is just masking the real reason people should tune in. Now that Bill Parcells is out of the division, Tom Coughlin will be attempting to assert himself as the Hard-Ass coach of the division. This is definitely a high honor in the NFC East, considering that the likes of Tom Landry, Bill Parcells (twice), Barry Switzer (carrying a gun into an airport cemented his place) and Ray Rhodes has held this lofty honor. Wade Phillips is the newcomer, and the most direct threat .

Learning from the master. Coughlin has a tough road to hoe, but the news today that he got Tiki Barber to retire is only helping his cause.

Why are the other two coaches in the division not in the running? Well, the head coach fo the Redskins is a nice elderly gentleman, who likes to play with cars in his spare time. And all of the badassery in the Andy Reid bloodline apparently skipped a generation.

Grizzled veterans behind the mic. But only one can be the NFC East badass. Sunday Night on NBC.

Monday Night: Baltimore at Cincinnati

The Incarcerated v. The Acquitted

On the surface, a great matchup of two teams in what many regard as the hardest division in football, the AFC North. But, this in fact will prove once and for all: is a team better when they have players arrested for minor brushes with the law, such as selling alcohol to minors, or is the superior team one where the best player might have had a hand in murdering another human being, a much loftier charge, but was found innocent by a jury of his peers that may or may not have been assembled by Gene Upshaw? It's just a shame that Eric Steinbach isn't back with the Bengals this year. He was arrested last year after getting a DUI on a boat. Ray Lewis gets three of those in the inner harbor before breakfast.

Who will win-- petty criminals or pretty lucky streetwalkers? Monday Night Football on ESPN.

Monday Night: Arizona v. San Fransisco

The Beefcake Bowl

One could see this as a battle between up-and-coming teams in the up-and-coming NFC West. Really, the focus is on the two extremely dreamy quarterbacks who are really just trying to stay in the conversation until Brady Quinn makes his first start.

I do declare. Both crushingly pensive, yet ruggedly masculine. The early line goes to Smith with his positively inviting baby blues.

One dated Paris, one probably will in a few weeks. Can they not be hot for 60 minutes? Monday Night Football on ESPN!

There you have it. The real reasons these games will be featured this weekend. The best part about this article is that it guarantees that I will never be writing about the Browns all season. Fantastic.

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The Evening Of on TSE -- 9.4.07

The Magic Number and September Baseball... they go together like peanut butter and ladies.

"We go together like cocaine and waffles and alimony!"
The Magic Number, of course, is a figure that represents the total number of first place team wins combined with second place team losses that would clinch the division/wild card for that particular team. When a team's magic number reaches 1 they are guaranteed at least a tie in their division/wild card.

For example, the Cleveland Indians enter play tonight with a Magic Number of 20. Any combination over the next 3 1/2 weeks of baseball of Indians wins and Tigers losses that add up to 20 will clinch the A.L. Central for the Tribe.

But have you ever wondered how those folks in the sports media ivory towers come up with the mythical Magic Number? It's actually remarkably easy to calculate. All you need to do is take 162 (the number of games in the MLB season) add 1 (to eliminate a tie in the division/wild card), then subtract the number of wins the first place team has (W1st) and subtract the number of losses the second place team has (L2nd) to arrive at the Magic Number.

The formula looks like this:

MN = 163 - W1st - L2nd

I'll use the example of the Indians again. They enter play tonight at 79-58 while the Tigers are 73-64; each have played 137 games with 25 remaining with the Tribe holding a 6-game lead. The formula reads: 163 - 79 - 64 = 20. The math adds up as if the Indians, with their 6-game lead, win 20 of their remaining 25 games, it is impossible for Detroit to win the A.L. Central.

The more advanced explanation of the mathematics involved can be found at the Obsolete Computer Museum.

You can also use the Magic Number formula to check if teams are eliminated. Teams such as the Devil Rays (the second hottest team in the bigs right now, thankyouverymuch), whose number of losses we will substitute for L2nd: 163 - 83 - 81 = -1... so, sadly, the Red Sox' win on Sunday nixed the Rays' hopes of their first ever A.L. East title. You can also use this formula to check a second place team's Magic Number.

The more you know. more...

Profiles in Courage: Hilliard Davidson HS

High School football in Columbus, Ohio isn't the religious experience it is in Texas and Pennsylvania, but from time to time, we Columbusites (Columbusans?  Columbophiles?) sometimes strike the jackpot.

Hilliard Davidson HS, one of a few schools in the Columbus suburbs, was frequented with several acts of graffiti by rival school Hilliard Darby HS, proclaiming that their school sucked.  Whether they do or not isn't up for debate.  How the students of Davidson reacted, however, is what brings us to the crux of this post.

The sheer amplitude of brain power behind this stunt still boggles my mind and even after racking my brain, filled now with 4+ years of college and countless years of other schooling still can't even begin to figure out how to go about doing this, but, man, it would be sweet to do it, wouldn't it?

In all it's YouTube glory...

This is, of course, a derivation of a classic prank, earned the evil-doers suspensions though we here at TSE salute hellcats of Hilliard - were it up to us, we would have given them HS degrees and made them principal for the day on the spot.

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